Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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