who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
