I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
