It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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