While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
