I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
