So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
