i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
