I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
