I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Shame is for Republicans.
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