I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
