Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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