Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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