I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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