My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
