Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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