I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize