you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
