if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just had sex on a roof
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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