I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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