my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
is that a dick in a sweater?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
