Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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