Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I want to fling myself into the sun
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