So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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