you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
