dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
