it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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