Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
