shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
