Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
