I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize