textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
