Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
