It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize