I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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