My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
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He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
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I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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