Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
