I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
