You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
