I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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