a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
