she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
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I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
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You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We need to get me chipped asap
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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