Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
