he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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