if you like me you must not know who I am
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
