Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
