Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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