Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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