I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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