You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
