i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
