I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
