Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
