While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
