Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
