Define "chronic" masturbator.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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