I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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