Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
