Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
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