I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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